When a Caregiver’s Heart Becomes a Vessel
As caregivers, we often hold ourselves to impossible standards, yet the anger we feel is both natural and human. While we must be mindful of how we express this emotion, acknowledging it—even voicing it in appropriate settings—can sometimes be the healthiest path forward for our own wellbeing.
When handled with care, anger serves as a necessary release—like briefly opening a window in an overheated room before the glass shatters from pressure. The key, I've found, is knowing when to close that window again rather than standing in the draft until you catch cold.
Anger becomes toxic not in its existence, but in its expression. When we exercise restraint, allowing ourselves controlled moments of release rather than explosive outbursts, we transform what could harm into what might heal. These brief acknowledgments of our frustration can act like pressure valves, preventing the buildup that leads to regrettable words or actions.
Caregiving will eventually bring you face-to-face with rage. First comes the fury at the disease—this invisible thief that stole into your loved one's mind. Then anger shifts inward as you watch your own life narrow to the dimensions of sickrooms and medication schedules. When the final decline begins, you might find yourself in the shower, fists pressed against wet tiles, demanding answers about this particular cruelty. And sometimes, after they've gone, the anger remains so deeply rooted that grief cannot break through its hardened soil. I experienced this level of rage prior to my father’s passing, after finding my suicide, and the loss of my mom from dementia.
Think of anger as steam—necessary to release, dangerous to contain. Let it escape in controlled whistles rather than explosive bursts. The feeling itself isn't wrong; it's what happens when we let it build pressure until it scalds everyone nearby. Even the most compassionate among us step back from someone perpetually engulfed in flames.
Consider anger as a lighthouse—its warning beam cutting through fog when we've drifted too close to dangerous shores. That flare of heat can fuel the engine when nothing else will start it. I've watched the quietest daughter in a family finally raise her voice after months of silent caregiving, her words tumbling out like stored treasures once anger unlocked the chest. Even the meekest among us find their voice when that particular flame is lit beneath them. It' s alchemy at its most human—transforming what burns us into what ultimately saves us.
Anger is usually the response to the fear of an uncontrollable state of affairs, the type of situation which caregivers face all the time. Ignoring it will not make it go away. Instead it could lead to passive-aggressive behavior, stress and other health problems.
So, during your caregiving campaign or even beyond, just be reassured that it’s okay to get mad, and in fact, it’s natural. Anger can be expressed in an assertive and respectful way. It’s the belligerence factor that can warrant a problem.
If you’re angry, try to put it to good use. After all, it is a human emotion.
Throughout your caregiving journey, remember this: your anger deserves acknowledgment. It's as natural as the exhaustion in your bones. The difference between healing anger and harmful rage lies not in feeling it, but in how you channel it—like the difference between a controlled burn and a wildfire. When fury builds inside you, harness it. Let it fuel your advocacy, your persistence, your courage to ask for help. Your anger, properly directed, can become your strength.
– Gary Joseph LeBlanc, Director of Education
