Have We Said our Goodbyes?
Experiencing grief doesn't always require a significant crisis like losing a loved one. If, during the time you were providing care, you had to place your loved one in a nursing community, you would understand what I mean. The challenges of making such a significant decision likely thrust you into a state of mourning.
A close friend of mine described her experience like this: When her husband passed away, she came to realize that she had already said goodbye to him countless times. For a year and a half, he had lived in the memory care unit. Despite her almost daily visits, it broke her heart to leave him each time. She was overwhelmed by the guilt of feeling like she was abandoning him whenever she walked out. She told me, "Even though he had been there for a long time, it still felt like I was leaving him with strangers."
As you can observe, the blend of her sorrow, depression, and isolation created a tumultuous emotional mixture that persisted for several months.
On the other side of the spectrum, another caregiver reached out to me, questioning how her father, who was the main caregiver for her mother, appeared to feel no grief following her mother's death. The daughter didn't understand that her father had already bid farewell to his wife several times before she passed away. This is where families can face serious misunderstandings, resulting in bitterness and anger. Without professional guidance to navigate these emotions, such conflicts may go unresolved for a very long time.
It's widely recognized that each person has their own way of grieving. While labeling methods as right or wrong is debatable, I've found that certain ways can be harmful. If you find yourself struggling, seek counseling promptly for both you and your family. It's also wise to schedule a visit with your doctor to discuss your experiences. Keep in mind, after a loss, it’s normal for caregivers to experience depression for two to three years or even more. Don’t allow it to reach that point without seeking help.
Researchers who examine the grieving process have identified at least five key stages. Personally, I think it would be better to refer to them differently, as there is no fixed order in which they occur.
Here are five symptoms to be mindful of:
• Denial—This can manifest as feeling numb or experiencing a total emotional shutdown.
• Anger—This emotion can be directed at anyone, including oneself.
• Preoccupation—This entails staying constantly busy to avoid confronting grief, never allowing it to naturally unfold.
• Depression—This is characterized by withdrawing from social interactions and neglecting everyday duties.
These characteristics are just a minute example of what each element of grief includes. What I believe to be the most important catalyst in bringing about closure is acceptance. If you can accept what has happened and deal with it in a healthy manner, I believe you are on your way to regaining some kind of normalcy.
Each person handles grief differently, so it's important not to judge how someone else manages it. Some people may seem calm on the outside but are battling inside, while others might have come to terms with their goodbyes much earlier. You probably know the old Native American proverb, "Never criticize a man until you’ve walked a mile in his moccasins." This is particularly relevant for caregivers, whose journeys are often difficult and mostly uphill, with few, if any, breaks.
There are times when, as caregivers, we see it as a blessing when our loved ones are freed from their earthly struggles. For me, a part of me felt relieved when Dad passed away. I was comforted knowing his pain was finally over, which was truly a positive thing. So, I softly said a heartfelt "goodbye" once more.
Gary Joseph LeBlanc, Director of Education
